Growing up

Living in the promise of adulthood

Young teens are no longer children, but not yet adults; the world has become a bigger place; sexual development rushes on (but there’s no legitimate outlet for all those natural urges). How do they cope?

We spend a number of years as a child, learning things like walking, physical co-ordination (they call these ‘gross motor skills’), focusing our eyes, speaking, playing, running, jumping, and being childish in our irresponsibility, ways of thinking and submission to our parents. Later on, we are adult, with responsibilities, maturity, independence, the ability to make decisions for ourselves, counting the cost and anticipating many of the consequences, etc.

But in between, there is a strange and dangerous place beset with pitfalls, danger and snare, as if life were out to trip us up, make fools of us and belittle us at a time when we most need to be valued, built-up, esteemed, recognized and loved. This is often called adolescence. It’s a very disconcerting place to inhabit.

Everything within you screams for freedom and independence, yet those in authority over you seem to be increasingly unreasonable and restrictive. You want to love them as you always have, but they seem to be down on you all the time. School’s the same, with foolish rules and even more foolish teachers, trying to teach you things you learned years ago, and then rushing on, leaving you behind. Having to wear a uniform isn’t fair, as other schools are more liberal.

It seems that everyone you respect hates everything you like — your taste in clothes, music, friends, and places to meet. So your respect for them begins to be eroded.

Your body explodes in all directions, with strange hormones rushing around, wondering when (if ever) they will get the chance to ‘do their thing’. You have suddenly noticed the opposite sex! Girls realise that boys are not just daft, childish oiks who ride bikes and play football all the time, but that they are nicely shaped and be fun to be around. The boys are noticing that those annoying girls with their squeaky voices and preference for giggling and skipping are becoming very nicely shaped and fun to be with, even though it’s sometimes nerve-wracking too.

And then it happens. Acne! Just when you realise you need to be attractive to the opposite sex, you burst out in hideous eruptions — scabs and blotches everywhere, but, worst of all, over at least 80 per cent of the surface area of your face.

Schools call it childhood. So do bus companies, swimming pools and many churches. But childhood it ain’t. If childhood were like this, none of us would live beyond the age of five without going stark staring bonkers. No one needs more careful, gentle, understanding treatment than a teenager, an adolescent, a nearly-adult, a dweller in this lonely and insecure place, living in the promise of adulthood.
Andy Back Dynamic Youth Leadership: Principles in Practice (Word/FPI, 1992) p45, 46

It is indeed a tough life being a young teen.

Damage limitation
I am convinced that the wise counsel of Dr James Dobson in his profoundly excellent book Hide or Seek (Hodder Christian Paperbacks 1974) has saved many a boy and girl from the worst excesses of the teenage years.

‘What’s this wisdom he dispenses?’, I hear you cry. Well, it’s all there in his book.

Dr Dobson encourages the parents of ten or eleven year-old to take them on a trip for a weekend; Dads with boys and Mums with girls. The idea is not just quality time together, although that’s a beneficial spin-off. The main purpose is for the parent to sit the child down and chat about the teenage years to come.

Do it now, while you still can, Dobson pleads, because once the changes start, the attitudes change, the child’s face develops into a permanent sneer, the parent’s will is weakened by the constant disrespect and the whole fragile relationship is shattered by the puberty bomb. He encourages frank talk about love, commitment, rules, authority, love, commitment, changes, family style, development, negotiation, love, commitment and authority. And love.

It’s essential that parents explain that teenagers may become clumsy, may need more sleep, and may find that others develop at a faster rate than themselves. They should mention that there will physical change, emotional turmoil, a strong desire to fit in with other teens, considerable confusion about things which currently seem straightforward, sexual awakening and increasing independence.

Emphasise, he counsels, that teens and parents may find communication breaks down, so if this weekend of honest conversation can be achieved before the deterioration has begun, it can help prevent growth of the canker of misunderstanding, since both parties will be forewarned and forearmed.

Taking time to reason with a ten or eleven year-old about the adolescent years ahead will pay huge dividends. At that age, they will still believe you, for starters — but if you leave it too late, the teenager will not have such unwavering faith.

Teenage years are complicated and packed with angst for all concerned: the teenagers, their parents, family and their youth leaders, too. There’s no getting away from the fact that God has designed human beings in such a way that when they reach a certain age, they start to become adults. But the process takes a while, and can begin at different times for different individuals.

Extract Children’s Ministry Guide to Working with 9-13s by Andy Back